


Soulmate

by parttimehuman



Series: Theo Raeken Week 2018 [1]
Category: Teen Wolf (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Angst, Gen, Soulmate AU, Suicide, Theo Raeken Week 2018
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-11-18
Updated: 2018-11-18
Packaged: 2019-08-25 12:35:50
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,162
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16661265
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/parttimehuman/pseuds/parttimehuman
Summary: Every person has a soulmate.Except Theo Raeken.A dream shows him why.





	Soulmate

**Author's Note:**

> **For Day 1 of Theo Raeken Week - Angst and Pain**

_ Who doesn’t long for someone to hold? _

_ Who knows how to love you, without being told _

_ Somebody tell me, why I’m on my own _

_ If there’s a soulmate for everyone _

 

_ * _

 

Everybody has a soulmate. We’re born as one half of a whole, an incomplete puzzle, destined to wander the earth searching for what’s missing from us, the very goal of our existence being to complete ourselves. No matter how many thousand years of humanity there are and will be, no matter how supernatural a single human will turn at some point, there’s this one constant throughout all of history, this one bigger thing that outlasts and outshines everything else. This one need that is greater than the need for air, or food, or water. This one thing that matters more than anything else in the world ever could. Our soulmate. 

 

You don’t get to choose whether you’re a part of it. You can be as cynical as you like, can isolate yourself from everything, can prefer to walk the earth on your own, can live the life of a lone wolf if you like, but it’s still engraved inside your soul, the name of the one that is made for you. As different as humans can be, they all have this one thing in common. Nobody will be complete on their own. 

 

And then there’s Theo Raeken. 

 

Where everyone else carries the soulmark above their heart, Theo doesn’t. They’re all different, somehow. Different in size and shape and color. Some are faint and some are bright, some seem to be moving beneath the skin, pulsing. Some are nothing but a pale shadow, like the one that Scott bears, having faded into something barely noticeable with the death of his soulmate. Still, even years after Allison has died, though, it’s there. 

 

Theo fights against his tight shirt that sticks to his body due to sweat, pulling it up and over his head. He looks at himself in the mirror. Sometimes he doesn’t know why he keeps bothering. There he goes, six times a week, lifting weights and defining his muscles, watching his reflexion develop a six pack and his arms grow into little tree trunks, but what is it good for? 

 

His gaze drifts from his defined abs up higher to his chest, muscles making it look exactly like what most people seem to find attractive, but then his eyes settle on the spot where a slightly off beat heart is pumping blood underneath, once again finding nothing but a nasty scar. 

 

It’s not what it’s supposed to look like, a soulmark. 

 

And it also doesn’t feel like one. 

 

Theo touches the rough skin with the tips of his fingers, tracing the little pressed flat worm across his chest carefully. It feels cold and lifeless. There’s nothing there. No spark, no connection to anybody, no bond. It’s only a scar, nothing more. 

 

Of course not. 

 

Theo shouldn’t be surprised, or disappointed for that matter. He’s an outcast in every way there is, a weirdo, a freak, never fitting in, never being accepted. He’s the first chimera, the Dread Doctors’ proudest creation, and while exactly that used to make him feel superior - invincible, even - now that the war is over and his abductors defeated, now that Theo’s eyes have been opened to the truth, the title brings nothing but a mix of shame and guilt that won’t be swallowed, forever staying on his tongue as an exceptionally bitter taste, mixing with everything good that ever finds its way to him, spoiling everything sweet. 

 

Maybe Theo doesn’t have a soulmate because he doesn’t have a soul, he thinks. He’s a serial killer, after all. He knows nothing but how to strive for power, has been driven by blood lust for more than half of his life. Really, he should be thankful on behalf of his non-existent soulmate that they’re being saved the misery. 

 

“Selfish asshole,” Theo spits into the face that shows on the cold, hard surface of the mirror, because he doesn’t deserve to be missing something, doesn’t get to be offended by the fact that the universe has left him out. It’s for the better for sure, and still, it makes his stolen heart ache, that treacherous thing. 

 

Theo hurries up inside the shower, suddenly not being able to wait to finally put a shirt on again so that his eyes are not constantly drawn down to what’s on his chest and what isn’t, to finally keep his head from spiraling. He gathers up the few things he’s brought to the high school gym and sneaks out through the same window he let himself in through, walking around the corner by foot until he reaches his truck. It’s ridiculously easy for a guy who could still pass as a teenager to break into the school building to use the gym and shower. 

 

With a quick look into his wallet, Theo decides that he’ll skip dinner and goes straight to finding a good place to park his truck for the night. He’ll get three hours of sleep at the very best before a deputy will knock at his window and ask him to move. And then he’ll do the same thing over and over again until the sun rises again and he can tell himself he needs to get up anyway, although he has absolutely nowhere to be and nobody to talk to. 

 

Next week will be easier, Theo reminds himself. The Gardners will be on vacation, meaning that he can sleep in their driveway where nobody can shoo him away, hopefully making it through a couple of more hours of sleep then before Tara ends his peace with sharp fingernails digging into his chest and even sharper eyes boring right through him. 

 

It’s the same procedure every night, has been all through hell and every single day since. He falls asleep and then keeps falling until the darkness threatens to consume him. It’s freezing cold, and then Tara comes for him, although she barely resembles the big sister he once had. She looks dead, no matter how many times she takes her heart back. Her eyes are not the same anymore, and her voice is a siren shaking him to the core. 

 

There’s a free spot at the side of the road near the town hall where Theo stops. It’s not ideal to avoid being found, but there’s not a point in trying that anymore anyway. Every deputy knows his truck by now. There’s nowhere in Beacon Hills where he’s truly safe. But does it matter? He wouldn’t have slept anyway. Not for long. 

 

It has become a routine, sort of. Theo doesn’t fight to get better anymore. There’s nobody who needs him full of energy at the moment. There was, for a short while, when Scott and his pack  allowed him to be of help against the ghost riders and the Anuk-Ite, but that time is over. Desperate times, those were, requiring desperate measures. So desperate that even Theo was good enough, but redemption is still not a concept he dares to dream of. 

 

Beacon Hills seems to be safe for now. Free of supernatural villains or their minions. Nobody needs him anymore. Every new day passes a little more slowly. Every new morning seems a little less worth the trouble. 

 

If only there was something worth fighting for. Worth changing for. Who knows if Theo wouldn’t be willing to turn his whole life around? Maybe he would. For the right reason, perhaps. For the right person. He climbs into the backseat and pulls his blankets out. The muffled thrums of the rain play him a song of loneliness. Before he knows what he’s doing, Theo has one hand placed over his beating heart again. 

 

He doesn’t want to sleep, doesn’t think he can take another one of the nightmares yet, which is of course not true. He can, he will, he has to. It’s inevitable. Tara owns him. She’s the only person who ever really has. 

 

For the first time in forever, Theo dreams of something else than his dead sister claiming the heart he once took from her. 

 

_ ‘Don’t!’  A voice in Theo’s head screams. It sounds like fear, like panic, but Theo doesn’t know where it comes from. It’s not an actual voice that he can hear, it’s more like a thought, only that he knows it isn’t produced by his own brain.  _

 

_ He’s scared shitless, walking across the bridge, holding onto the railing with trembling little hands. Tara’s fight for her life seems to have stopped, a few last bubbles fade away from the stilling water surface, and wreath of wet, dark hair is all that’s left to see.  _

 

_ The grass is damp and soft where the bridge ends. He stalks towards the river’s shore carefully, his gaze fixed on his dead sister. It feels all wrong, every single step towards her. Theo feels like running away instead, but he remembers the promise they made him. He’ll live forever. He’ll be stronger than anybody’s ever been. He’ll never be poor little Theo again. Will never be helpless against the bullies at school. His failing heart will not end his life. It has to be this way, they said so.  _

 

_ The dirty water of the river soaks Theo’s jeans wet as he pulls Tara to the shore by a skinny wrist that feels shockingly warm although there’s no pulse beneath the pale skin.  _

 

_ ‘Don’t do it!’ The mysterious voice warns him again. It’s not his own, it’s not Tara’s, and it sure as hell isn’t one of the Doctors’, although it seems to have a similar way of getting inside his head without producing any actual acoustic.  _

 

_ Theo can’t listen to it. He can’t. His sister is dead already, and they’ve turned him into a werewolf, showing him how to use his supernatural skills to get the missing part he needs to add his second half. He’ll be invincible. He’ll never have to be scared again.  _

 

_ Tara is lying half in the grass, half in the water. He doesn’t push the hair out of her face. It’s much better that way. He takes a deep breath out and presses his eyes shut, concentrating as well as he can. He travels inside his own mind, searching for the animal that doesn’t need much to be tickled awake. One day, he’ll be the one in control over the wolf instead of the other way around, but in that very situation, he happily lets it take the lead.  _

 

_ ‘You don’t know what you’re doing!’ The voice shouts at him. ‘You’re killing more than just your sister, Theo. Listen to me!’ _

 

_ His bones are burning as he opens his eyes again, seeing everything multiple times clearer, taking in the overwhelming scents in the air, his fangs drawing blood from his own lips, his claws sharp and ready.  Little brother Theo is gone, patiently waiting for the predator living inside him to do its part. Tara’s shirt and skin are barely even a noticeable obstacle, her ribs crack like they’re branches. The smell of blood is overpowering, drawing him in, making his head feel dizzy.  _

 

_ ‘Don’t take it!’ It echoes through his mind. ‘You can never go back from there. You’ll lose yourself. You’ll lose me.’  _

 

_ ‘I don’t even know who you are,” Theo gnarls. He barely knows how to speak with the fangs getting in the way of his every word.  _

 

_ ‘Because it’s not our time yet,’ the voice replies, ‘but you will.’ _

 

_ ‘How?’ Theo wants to know. His wolf is restless, wants to finish what he called it for.  _

 

_ ‘By following your heart.’  _

 

_ Theo doesn’t know what to do with that information. It makes him angry. He’s already gone too far. They’ve assured him everything would be better, and he did everything they asked of him. Now he’s just one more step away from becoming their prince. Why does this stupid voice want to stop him?  _

 

_ ‘My heart isn’t working,’ he spits out, watching as the wolf’s claws twitch inside his sister’s chest. ‘Hers is.’ _

 

_ ‘But it’s not yours, Theo,’ the voice argues, ‘and it never will be.’ _

 

_ ‘Mine is garbage!’ Theo yells, his frustration getting the better of him.  _

 

_ ‘It’s mine, too, though,’ comes the whispered reply. ‘If you give it up, then you’ll give me up as well.’  _

 

_ ‘Why should I care? I don’t even know who you are!’  _

 

_ The wolf is all out of patience, closing its claws around Tara’s heart.  _

 

_ ‘And you never will,’ the voice says sadly.  _

 

_ An ugly sound echoes through the cold air as the wolf rips it out violently, blood streaming down Theo’s arm as he holds it up before him. Such a little thing, and yet it holds so much power. The thought makes Theo’s skin crawl, and then there’s a faint twitch inside his chest, right where the strange little blue mark graces his skin. _

 

_ ‘Not so opinionated anymore, are we?’ Theo asks with a smug expression on his face as he walks away from the riverside, leaving behind his sister for the sake of innumerable tomorrows.  _

 

_ He doesn’t get a response.  _

 

_ ‘Yeah, better keep your mouth shut,’ he comments, ‘you’re not going to stop me anyway.’  _

 

Once again, Theo wakes up abruptly and covered in sweat, panic filling his mind. He turns the little lamp inside the truck on and lifts his shirt, staring at the scar over his heart - her heart. How has he never remembered the blue mark before? It used to be there, right where the scar is now for all his life until the day when his failing heart was replaced by a stronger one. It used to look like two flower petals. He can see it incredibly clearly now, although it never came back. 

 

“I killed you,” Theo whispers into the void that lives inside him. “I killed us.” 

 

He remembers the voice, but not what it sounded like, just that it was there. He can’t fathom anything related to the soulmate that he was indeed born with. He wonders what happened to them. Are they as lonely as he is now? Did he actually kill them? As in, ended their life? Or are they still out there somewhere, with a chest as blank as a white canvas? 

 

All of a sudden, the silence that used to comfort Theo, that he actively seeked, turns into something absolutely unbearable. He wishes for nothing more than to have a voice inside his head answering him. 

 

“I sacrificed us,” Theo says dumbly, speaking out the train of thought that hits him as he realizes what really happened. He’s thought the life of his sister was the price he paid. That and his innocence, his humanity. The lives of a whole lot too many other people on top. But his soulmate? He didn’t know. He was only nine years old. Soulmates were still something that the adults around him always told him he’d understand once he’d be older. 

 

It shouldn’t hit him so badly. It shouldn’t. He’s long known he has nothing. He’s lost everything. His parents, his sister, his childhood friends. Himself. He doesn’t have a pack, doesn’t have a home. He belongs nowhere, serves no purpose. There’s one person on earth who’s supposed to save everyone - their soulmate, but he doesn’t even have that. 

 

Literally the only damn thing that’s for sure in the world, that you can take for granted, and Theo has ruined it without even knowing. 

 

“Are you even still alive?” Theo wants to know, hating himself for giving up the right to an answer all those years ago. 

 

Through everything that life has made him into, through his time with the Dread Doctors and the first murder sprees, through hell and war and nightmares, through anything, Theo has never felt like he didn’t want to live anymore. Like he doesn’t want to live the same way anymore, sure. Like he doesn’t want to live in Beacon Hills or anywhere near the town, maybe. But never like he doesn’t want to keep living to begin with. 

 

A thought takes hold of his shocked mind, though. If there’s nobody out there he belongs to, then where is he going? What is he doing? What good are all the breaths after another he keeps sucking into his lungs? 

 

For the first time since he stole his dead sister’s heart, Theo feels like it can actually hurt. Like the pain he knows from injuries to his body is now coming from inside his chest, feeling exactly the same, except without the healing. The animals living inside him have dragged themselves to a dark corner beneath his human surface to suffer in silence. Theo feels the most alone in his entire life ever. 

 

Hope is the last thing we lose - or so they say. 

 

Finally, Theo can add that too to his long list of things missing from him. 

 

A knock snaps him out of his trance, a blinding flashlight shining right into his face. 

 

“Alright, alright,” Theo murmurs, raising his hands in surrender. He doesn’t bother letting the window down and talk to the deputy. There’s nothing left to fight for. All determination is gone. “I’m as good as gone.” 

 

He throws the blankets off of him and climbs into the driver’s seat, letting the engine roar to life, avoiding the look into the rearview mirror or the deputy’s face as he hits the gas and pulls onto the road again. Theo drives slowly at first, but not because he’s looking for a better spot to rest this time. He’s saying his silent goodbyes. 

 

Reaching town’s end eventually, Theo hits the gas a little harder, going faster, suddenly wanting to escape the place. He crosses a bridge and disappears into the darkness. 

 

“Good as gone,” he whispers to himself, but he might as well be gone for good, because where’s the difference really? Theo knows one voice who won’t notice. 

 

His foot stays on the gas pedal, his hand leaves the steering wheel, coming to rest over his heart instead. He’s scared. Not as scared as he is of stopping, though. 

 

The world is dark and rainy around him, trees shielding the night sky from his view. Theo goes faster. He takes the other hand away too, pressing his palm over the hand on his chest, as if to make sure it will stay there. 

 

It feels like making the first right choice in his life. 

 

“I’m sorry I cut you off,” Theo tells the soulmate who isn’t listening. 

 

“I wonder if we’ll find each other again in the next world.” 

 

He closes his eyes. 

 

Theo is flying. 

 

He’s the most scared and the bravest he’s ever been, both at the same time. 

 

But he won’t have to for much longer. 

 

“We’ll find out soon.” 

 

He waits for salvation.

 

The pain lasts for just a second. Good as gone. Just a second and he’s free. Gone for good. 


End file.
